BDSM : the hard truths

This is mostly just an introductory piece to be followed by more in depth notes later. Six to be precise.  I just wanted to give everyone that doesn’t want to read them a fair warning.  They will likely be more descriptive, and frankly graphic.  I know that there are many people that have no interest in the subject matter being expounded upon, just as there are many that will find what I have to say informative and rewarding.

First let’s break down what BDSM is, and isn’t.

B&D stands for Bondage and Discipline.

D&S stands for Dominance and Submission.

S&M stands for Sadism and Masochism.

BDSM is NOT abuse.

These six things, concepts, ideas, make up the core of the BDSM lifestyle.  Now BDSM has been around for a long time, but it has been kept a dark secret.  Many of the practices involved are considered by mainstream society to be deviant or wrong.  Sadly, they usually just misunderstand the ideas behind the behaviors and practices.  Maybe you are one of them and will gain a better understanding by reading what I have to say about them.  It’s important to say that these are my thought, my ideas, about the lifestyle, and there are those that would disagree with them.  And that’s perfectly ok.  One of the benefits of this lifestyle is that it is excepting of all different levels and ideas of how it should be done properly.

In an earlier writing I discussed consent.  Consent is one of the few things that is not open for discussion in the BDSM lifestyle.  Both of the current mottos of the lifestyle contain it.  SSC stands for Safe, Sane, and Consensual.  This motto has had a bit of falling out lately because no one can agree on what Sane is.  What is sane for one person seems completely outlandish to another.  So a newer motto has come into popularity lately.  RACK stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink.  Being aware of exactly what will happen and agreeing to it.  Consent was written rather well in the book Ethical Slut and I will copy that here for you to examine and review for yourself.  They define consent as follows: An active collaboration for the pleasure, benefit, and well-being of all persons concerned.  Consent means that everybody involved must agree to whatever activity is proposed and must also feel safe enough that they could decline if they wished.

Many people believe that BDSM is abuse, because it involves pain.  While it is true that there is often pain involved, it is not abusive.  That is where consent because so important.  If everyone involved has established their boundaries and consented to the activity, then it is NOT abusive unless those boundaries have not been respected.  Stepping outside the agreed upon, consented to boundaries, is abusive and not tolerated at all inside the BDSM communities. 

One of the hard things about discussing BDSM is terminology.  I’m going to attempt to keep it as simple as possible here, and go into more detail in the subsequent writings.  But here’s a short dictionary of terms to keep in mind.

Scene:  A time period that the BDSM activity takes place.  This commonly starts with negotiation and ends with after care.

Dominant:  The Doer.  The one that directs the scene.  What happens and where, by the terms of the negotiation.  The pain giver in most instances.  Can be referred to as the Dominant, Master, Sir, among many others depending on the nature and preferences of the relationship.

Submissive:  The one that receives the “attentions” of the Dominant.  Can be referred to as the sub, slave, baby girl, or pet, among many others depending on the nature and preferences of the relationship.

It is also important to note that those that cause the pain, for the pleasure of the receiver, are also the ones that provide what is known as aftercare.  Aftercare can take many forms.  Anything from treating any injuries, providing comfort and warmth to the receiver of the pain, keeping them hydrated and protected while in a vulnerable mental state.  So while pain may be the end result, or even the goal, of a particular session, it is the provider of the pain that the receiver turns to after the session is over.

Another topic that is important to discuss is Safe Words.  “What is a safe word,” you ask?  It is an agreed upon way to help control what is happening.  There are typically three variants involved.  For examples I will use the most common ones, the stop light.  Green means everything is great, keep doing that.  Yellow means that I like what you are doing, but you are getting close to the limit of what I can handle.  Don’t take it any further. Red means stop.  Everything must stop right now.  Safe words allow the receiver some control on how far the provider can go, even in the middle of a scene, and to even bring the whole thing to an end just by saying a single word.  This consented to, agreed upon word keeps abuse from happening, from things going to a place that wasn’t planned for.

That is all for now.  Stay tuned for the first of the six topics to go into further detail coming soon.  Bondage