The second half of the D’s in BDSM is Dominance. This is a subject near and dear to my heart. That’s why it has taken so long to write this. Being a Dominant is extremely personal, and everyone is going to view it slightly different. Therefore, keeping that in mind, this is my personal view of it.
Dominance is about control. Taking the control of not only your submissive, but yourself as well. I cannot reasonably expect anyone to give me control of them if I cannot first control myself. Dominance simply means power or influence over others. This is a very basic definition that doesn’t take the lifestyle into it.
Control over oneself may seem like an easy thing, but it’s actually quite difficult at times. There are many different facets of life that one can exercise control. I need to be financially responsible. Not having control over my spending habits is a sign I need to work on my self-control. Emotionally I need to be in control as well. I have to reign in anger, sadness, jealousy, despair. It would be inappropriate to have an emotional breakdown in front of my submissive. If I’m not emotionally stable, how can I expect her to rely on me as her rock when she needs one. Mentally I need to be in control as well. I need to know that I have learned enough, taken enough precautions, to be able to run a scene for the maximum benefit of all parties. You cannot Dominate another until you have control of yourself.
Being Dominant means, to me, that I have been given a sacred trust. My submissive is giving themselves into my care, and I need to treat that with the respect it deserves. I need to understand my submissive so well that I really know her better than she knows herself. I need to study her. I need to know when a sound she makes is good pain or bad, or pleasure. I need to be able to get into her mind and see the things that she’s afraid to show me. I need to be able to read her body language so that even what she can’t, or won’t say, I will hear. I need to understand her limits and boundaries. I need to respect her, nurture her, treasure her for the gift that she has given me. Only in that way am I worthy of the title of Dominant.